Creep & What That Means To Me…

July 21, 2008 at 3:42 pm (Bio, Inner Game)

Today It was implied by my coworker that I was the office creep. This really upset me to the point of tears. As I was in the bathroom trying to compose myself I started to think. Why am I so upset?

The answer is because I was called a creep. Now this is interesting to me, because If I learn why the word creep is so powerful to me, it may lead to me solving this problem and that would not only help my game but bring me closer to my ultimate goal of being the best human being I can be.

Creep, such a powerful word. Lets look up the definition, a quick google search provides me with this:

creep(krp)

intr.v. crept (krpt), creep·ing, creeps

1. To move with the body close to the ground, as on hands and knees.

2.

a. To move stealthily or cautiously.

b. To move or proceed very slowly: Traffic creeps at that hour.

3. Botany

a. To grow or spread along a surface, rooting at intervals or clinging by means of suckers or tendrils.

b. To grow horizontally under the ground, as the rhizomes of many plants.

4. To slip out of place; shift gradually.

5. To have a tingling sensation, made by or as if by things moving stealthily: a moan that made my flesh creep.

n.

1. The act of creeping; a creeping motion or progress.

2. Slang An annoyingly unpleasant or repulsive person.

 

So if we read the definition right, creep implies imagery of a snake like repulsive creature of the opposite sex, I did a little more digging and apparently this word came into public slang use in the 1950’s. Okay that sort of helps, lets try to break this into social psychological terms.

Being considered a Creep means…

 

  1. Become an outcast of humanity

  2. Be seen as a scavenger who is the lowest of all in the value food chain

  3. Will never mate and if he does its with trash

  4. Is dangerous and not trust wothy

I now know the origin of the world and what it implies so lets look at Warlocks life and see why this word became so big with me.

It became very clear at a young age that the most important thing for me was to be accepted. I was a spoiled kid. I had allot of toys, video games, I remember at one point I had a tricycle, a bike with training wheels (that would always fall over), a big wheel, 2 peddle cars (this was pre-power wheels guys, yeah I’m old school) and a scooter (not the gas peddle ones, the ones that are like a skateboard with a handlebar). It was important to me to use my toys to make friends with the kids from the neighborhood. For allot of years it seemed to work but as I got older it actually started to work against me.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Lets talk about the first time I felt like a creep. Her name was Christina, she had blond hair and green eyes or at least thats how I remember it. I was smitten guys, I was in second grade and I wanted to marry a girl I had not even had a full conversation with. If she looked in my direction my face would turn red. I was even the cliché guys, I used to write her name as Mrs.Warlock in my notebook with hearts.

I decided to write her a love letter (special thanks for my very smart friend for the brilliant idea…as karma he stayed 5’0 for the rest of his life) and leave it in her book bag because I was a chicken shit. But I couldn’t help myself and told her I had left her a present in her book bag ( you guys know where this is going).

Of course the minute I turned my back she dove for it. And as I sat across the room, I had a moment that would be forever burned into my memory. Christina opened the letter and began to read it….and then began to cry. Her friend came over and I soon discovered I had the ability to read lips because it was at that point that she told her friend in tears that she thought I was ugly.

I wont describe the feeling of that guys because all you have felt it before. Ill just sum it up by saying “that fucking sucked”, the effects of this were devastating. It was only until i reached my 20’s that I accepted the fact that I am a good looking dude.

Things only got worse, when we hit 5th grade the social groups started forming. I wound up with the short straw and became social outcast. I no longer had friends at school and they started dwindling around the neighborhood as well. I was a creep. Girls hated me, they were probably the most hurtful bullies because their way of getting to me weren’t like the guys (tripping me, throwing my book bag off the roof or the classic wedgie) it was a whole new form of torture. I got little mind games that severely fucked with my head. I was called ugly and creepy and well word stuck to me like glue.

I guess when I look at it, the word creep or creepy just reminds me of a time of my life that I was very sad, probably the most sad I have ever been. When I get called creepy its like I turn back into that 10 year old who just wants to be accepted and loved. Its a trigger word that just shoots me back in time.

So let me analyze this. I still put allot of value in how people perceive me. Not strangers, I have successfully eliminated that, I have no problem going into a club and getting blown out and to a certain extent going for the kiss with a girl. But I put so much value in what people in my every day life think of me. Because to me those are the ones that matter, I get to see those people every day. Thats not the case with folks in a bar, I never see those people again and even if I do they wouldn’t remember me.

So If I were being asked this by someone who’s not me, this is the solution I would give them.

“Listen dude your not a creep, a creep is a selfish pathetic human being who only cares about his own pleasure. You put value in friendship, acceptance and intimacy these are all noble intentions. If they cant see that your a good person then fuck them because the only opinion of yourself that should matter is your own. Jobs come and go, real friends last and those that don’t then weren’t your friends to begin with and isn’t it better to know who your real friends are? Whats past is past you cant change that, its time to live for today because today is all that matters”

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