Burnt Out

January 9, 2009 at 10:33 pm (Uncategorized)

Hi my name is David and I am an addict. Its Friday and I just work up at 3pm. This is becoming a common thing. I had promised myself I would go see the Van Gogh exhibit at MOMA, today was the last day. On Monday I had a fever and was not feeling well at all, yet I walked 6 blocks in the cold and rain, almost fell numerous times on my ass because of the strong winds and ice on the ground. All this to get to a 24 hour Duane Read to by 40 dollars worth of junk food, ice cream and candy.

I HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM!

I go out 4 nights a week on average on rare occasions sometimes even up to 5 but never less than 3. I wake up at 3pm almost everyday because my body has gotten used to pulling late hours that its hard for me to go to bed before 2 am! I live game, I eat fast foods because I want to feel that instant pleasure, I pound red bull and energy drinks to stay allert in my sets. I feel so good about myself when I score a make out, a kiss, get laid but it doesnt last soon I need to get more and more to feel better about myself and when I get rejected it begins to fester in my brain and I seek out more and more conquests.

I am an addict. I really did not want to admit it but I have a problem. My life has gone off the deep end and I am completely burned out. So I have decided to take next week off and play the following one by ear. If I hear back from any one of the girls I talk to then yeah i will go out with them. But I need to focus on finding a balance in my life. And contrary to my previous post my weight is something I need to get handled. So this week I am going to sit down and plan out a balanced life for myself. So far this is what I have come up with…

– Every day I must devote at least 2 hours of my day to getting a job

– I should go twice a week to the gym a minimum of 4 days a week prefferbly 5

– I can only eat fast food once a week

– I have to read one book constantly (no comics must be a book)

– I have to do something daily that will keep me out of my apartment (go to museum, park, hang out with non community friends)

– I eventually must get a hobbie, this will most likely be a dance class once I get a job

– After my week sabbatical (possibly 2) I can only go out twice a week

I’m pretty sure this is going to feel like withdrawal but it has to be done if I dont do something about this soon I am going to seriously screw up my life further.

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But I like being fat…

January 9, 2009 at 1:03 am (Uncategorized)

Allot of the guys lately been on my ass about my weight. In the past 6 years I have put on allot of weight on my body. It came on pretty fast when I became a driver 6 years ago. I went from a job where I had to walk up 3 flights of stairs to a job were I spent up to 12 hours sitting in a car eating fast food. Being fat is a big deal in my family, both my parents are over weight and its all they can ever talk about. Did you see my cousin Jeniffer? wow she is pretty big! Have you lost weight yet David? If I squeeze you tummy will you squeal? Man you are FAT! ect. ect.

I joined a gym 3 years ago and wound up going 4 days a week for a full month. My work out lasted 2 hours, it was cardio and weights. I lost 6 pounds….um hurray? Then I started school and it went to the way side. I think had I seen more results I probably would not have been so quick to drop it. Seems to be a common problem. I took diet pills, went on diets, bought books and yes went to the gym. It just didnt work. I would hear stories from guys who would tell me that they worked out for a summer and dropped 40 pounds! I didnt understand why it was so hard for me to loose just 30 pounds?!

When I first began to go out I thought that my weight was an issue. I think one of the best changes I have had in this year of sarging is that I no longer believe that. I dont really give a shit if people think im fat anymore. Frankly im kind of cool with it. The minute I was having sex with a brazilian girl with an amazing body all those thoughts kinda just died. I now just accept my fatness.

Which weirdly enough has become a small problem. Because even though the guys are on my ass to hit the gym. I just dont really have the interest. My thoughts of, man I need to loose this belly! Are now more wishy washy like “It would be nice to not have this belly”. I just like being fat. I dont know why I feel like I should apologize for that. I dont know why people are so far up my ass about it.

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Inspirational Video #2

January 8, 2009 at 10:11 am (Uncategorized)

Now for something completely different. When I used to go out sarging and had a hard time dealing with getting blown out I would watch this video. Its a performance of “The Impossible Dream” from the musical Man Of La Mancha. Basically Don Quixote is this crazy old man who believes that he is a knight. In the song he expresses how he strives to finish his quest. Yes it is insane and probably rather foolish but a knight goes in to battle regardless because he goes for honor and glory.

Basically I related it to myself as this, yes I may get blown out, maybe even horribly. I may get tooled or embarrassed but I will still stay on my quest undeterred. I do this for myself, I will keep going through the pain, through the sadness to achieve glory. So when I get blown out, rejected and on the rare occasion tooled, I just hear this song in my head and smile because I am a knight on a quest and no one can ever take that away.

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Insomnia Work Thoughts

January 8, 2009 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized)

So I cant sleep this seems to be a regular occurrence in my life since I became unemployed.  I think its the stress of just not really having an income that fucks with my sleep schedule. I have been unemployed for 2 months now going on 3 and hopefully it will end soon because even though unemployment rocks it doesn’t help me save any real income. I will say this though I still do not regret getting shit canned from my last job, occasionally I will think about how my life would be working in that shit hole, getting tooled on a daily basis, having to hear idiots complain about stress balls, having my boss tell me I should care about promotional products while at the same time cutting my bonus and not letting me have sick days. Yeah fuck that.

Still dont enjoy having to borrow money from the parental units or not be able to save for a vacation or anything else. But no money in the world would have my go back to that horrible work environment. Whats really weird is how my x coworkers tell me they miss me, its not that I dont believe them. Because I do and to certain extent I miss them too but only the good parts, I think the problem is that theres a big part of them that misses me not for me but for how I made them feel about themselves. “I feel good about my life because at least I’m not a weirdo looser like David…oh that guy what a lovable looser. ”

I went to a x-mas party my old boss threw and at first it wasn’t that bad, the tooling was tolerable. Then the alcohol came out and I had the red head I had a crush on at work treat me like I was a disgusting pig and the guy who claimed to be my buddy begin to call me “chode” and talk about the pick up artist.

Yeah im not bitter. Ha!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no money in the world is worth a mentally healthy environment. I don’t think anyone can really survive putting in so much of their time when they are slowly having their self esteem eaten away. I think the only people who can overcome that are people who are so centered in who they are that eventually the environment is forced to change to fit into their strong reality. Thats where I want to be by the end of the year. Have positivity so ingrained in me that negative outside forces just dissipate when they come in contact with me. I want to be radioactive positivity guy. Hmm that wouldn’t look so bad on a t-shirt

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The Quest for Self Esteem

January 5, 2009 at 11:43 pm (Uncategorized)

So this past week has been pretty interesting. I find myself really sarging to feel good about myself which is never a good thing. For example on new years eve I was miserable because I had only one make out with a girl who turned out to be a real jerk. Then Thursday I felt better because I was being hugged and kissed by girls at plunge and I had some girl with huge tits ad me to facebook and invite me out on Friday to a dance soacial. That Friday I was sad because the girl with the huge tits ignored me at the venue but felt a little better when her good looking friend number closed me before I left, then I felt even better when I had an asian girl all over me at Plunge to feel like I was walking on air when that girls cute latina friend began to hit on me while my asian was passed out in my arms. Saturday I woke up and got sad when I read a “lets just be friends” message from the huged breasted girl from the night before. But then felt amazing when I had a very romantic date with my British cherish later that day and even got a call from the big titted friend who acted like a chode on the phone with me which made me feel like a pimp. Then I felt crappy when that night I went to plunge and got blown out by every girl in the venue.

If you can follow all of that then I admire you.

I am living day by day and only feeling happy when its from some external influence, in this case its women or rather how I am around women. Whether it be Super Sexy Dude or Romantic Alpha its part of what I have inside of me that appear sporadicly. I am living off my ego and that is no way to live because not only is it pretty lame but rather it is mentally exhausting. Yeah its great that I have women calling me and I am going on dates, dont get me wrong I am happy about that but it shouldn’t be the only thing making me happy. I should be happy when I am in my apartment with horrible allergies and watching bad tv. I should be happy and carefree after I have an awkward conversation with a girl over the phone.

I want to be that well rounded guy. Not a PUA or MPUA or whatever other nerd tittle I hear from other guys. Just a decent cool guy and I know I can be that guy. I think I just keep getting distracted with bad habits like looking for approval from certain guys or pinning my feelings on the way I do with women.

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Inspirational video #1

January 5, 2009 at 10:53 pm (Uncategorized)

I have decided to post videos that really put me in a good state, I have them on my ipod for a quick watch and to get in a fun mood.

Here is Joe Rogan completely turning the table on some girl who tried to heckle him.

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Brand New Day

January 1, 2009 at 11:15 am (Uncategorized)

Last new years I spent in my apartment online eating doritos and feeling sorry for myself. I was single and depressed, that year I got laid by a boring overweight girl who owned two cats. The sex was horrible..mostly because she was pretty freaking boring and I wasnt into her but at the time I thought I might as well have sex because i never knew when I would have it again.

Isnt that a horrible way to live?

Well that new years eve I promised myself I would not have a new years eve like that again. I had to get things handled. I had to get some kind of control in my love life. I sat down and made a commitment with myself. And In a year I went from creepy needy guy to chill cool dude.  It was a long year, filled with ups and downs. I lost my job, I met amazing women, I made love to beautiful (inside and out) woman who In my chode days would have never thought as someone i would kiss let alone have sex with, I had great nights like the night I had my first bar kiss and I had bad nights were I wound up crying in the corner of a bar. But you know what even the bad nights were better than me sitting in front of the computer at home watching old tv shows and stuffing my face full of pizza. My life is an adventure and everyday is a new blessing.

But you see I have this problem I tend to forget myself at times. I forget that I am a great guy. I’m not being egotistical when I say this. I am not saying I am some player or the coolest guy in the room. But I am a great guy that can make people smile. I have a great heart and I am a true friend. But I forget this some nights and I don’t trust myself into putting that guy out there. Like tonight I was so worried about having an amazing night that I didnt enjoy the night or the people. I keep thinking about scoring make outs or just plain scoring. And boy was that a horrible mentality. Its no wonder I blew my chances with a cool girl tonight or how the only make out I got turned out to be from a real jerk.

These are my sticking points

I dont trust myself

I keep forgeting to live in the moment.

When I follow these golden rules, everything opens up. I am in pure bliss. And I radiate light, I am the giver.  These are things I must work on this year. In fact I will be posting more on this journal. The reason I stopped was because I felt that I was using this blog to get an ego and yes I was but I think that If I just don’t pat myself on the back then I can continue to write here. So what are my goals this year?

1) To permanently become that cool chill dude…in fact to be the best me I can be at ALL TIMES

This one is first and will be the biggest and most rewarding resolution

2) I will become a better dancer

I seriously love to dance. Whenever the DJ plays a salsa or merengue song I simply have to let the beat take me. I thought I was good but when I went to a spanish club boy was I out danced. This year I want to seriously take my dancing skills to the next level.

3) I will to learn a new language.

Every night I go out, I meet so many different people from different places. I want to be able to speak a new language. I want to expand my mind to new cultures and knowledge. This is the year of the brain. I want to be a person who people look and say man he is so deep, he knows so much. I want to be a teacher to people I know.

This year has been the best year of my life. I was born again and I let that part of me who was always hiding out into the world. I want to thank all the teachers I met this year (The Judge, Love Pirate, Golden Child, as well as my professors in school) thank you for showing me the possibilities that were at my feet. I want to thank my fellow travelers to the path of self discovery (Raven, Phred, Hiro, Adonis, Distant Light and all the wonderful characters I meet every night). I want to thank all the women I met both the great ladies and horrible immature bitches I meet every night I go out, every experience has helped me grow.

I can honestly say that even with all my problems, I love my fucking life. I would not want to be anyone else. I cant wait to see what tomorrow brings. Thank you God.

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